15 years ago, today, I lost my mother to cancer. Since that day, 15 years ago, I miss her miserably every day. Not a day has gone by that I did not think about her and miss her. The first couple of years was terrible, but then I became used to the pain of not having her. Coming up to the anniversary of this date, I have been thinking about Mom and her impact on my life a whole lot. Third only to my birth and my wedding date, this was probably one of the most impacting days of my life. The other two were positives...this one was not. But I constantly remind myself that this is one of life's rules and I just need to accept it. I don't always like to accept the rules.
I have been concerned that I am forgetting her. I see Rachael with my children and I feel like there is no worse thing I could do to my mother than forget her. I know she gave every piece of herself to me and wanted me to know that I was loved by her with all her heart. If she was here, I would let her know that she did a great job. I cannot tell her that, but I never doubted that she knew it. Mom could turn the other cheek, but she would not let you hurt her family. We were the world to her. And then I get almost angry with myself when I begin to think that I am forgetting her...how could I do that?
I am now realizing that I am not forgetting her, I am just living with the pain of not having her. Like a person who has very bad arthritis and just lives through it, I am doing the same. I cannot change it, so I must accept it. If I begin to think about all the things she has not shared in my life, I could lose my sanity....meeting Rachael, seeing me get married, seeing me graduate college, seeing me graduate grad school, seeing me go to my first job, seeing my first house, meeting Drake, meeting Emmy Kay, meeting Blythe Ann, getting excited about our future addition in a few weeks...the list goes on. When I consider the big things, I am sad...but when I consider the little mundane moments that I am missing out on with her, just picking up the phone to talk or have a cup of coffee with her, it really makes my heart sink.
I live with the pain but I also know that she would be very proud of me. She would love Rachael and would just adore all my kids. I wish they could meet her but they will know her through me. And with that, I know she is not forgotten. The instruction she gave me and the love she poured into me is being passed down to the next generation. Mom is not gone, she is just not here.
I am very thankful for the time I got with her and the relationship I had with her. I will always cherish those memories and I will never forget her.
I miss my Mom.
4 comments:
OK B, you're going to have to stop writting posts that make me cry. This is the second one, one more and I'm not dropping in anymore. Do you hear me?! Just kidding. I'm fortunate to still have my mom, and can't imagine not having her close by. My heart goes out to you, she raised an awesome son.
Here, here. *sniff*
Bryan, my mom passed away May 9, 1995 of cancer when I was 17. I honestly don't think about it much on the anniversary of her dying, but I feel it hard at major milestones (i.e. getting married, having kids, etc.). When I miscarried last year it was hard because she miscarried her third pregnancy but went on to have me later. As a wife and a mother there are so many time I just wish I could pick her brain and get her advice and encouragement. She was a really awesome woman. Luckily, Davis and I started dating before she got sick so it is great that my husband met my mom. It will be great to meet up with them on the other side of eternity.
Bryan, Do you think for a second that when you die you will forget your children? That you will not nag God all the time to watch out for them? Don't you think you'll also nag him for a peek? I understand how you feel (and I have for a long time too) really literally cut off from Mom. But when you really think about that, it just doesn't seem right.
I've blogged about this topic a bit, and as I've thought about it, I recall that ultimately our calling as children of God is summed up by Jesus. To love God and love each other. To be Christ to one another.
God doesn't change, so that call to love Him and others is eternal. In other words, when one passes from this life to the next, the love is still there.
Otherwise, the only alternative is that somehow those of us left on earth are abandoned.
I don't think we are. So, I've started to talk to Mom some, and maybe God allows her to hear me. I want her loving Mother arms to wrap me up in their embrace.
That's how I feel about it. We are all members of God's big family. All of us, not just those walking the earth.
Those are my thoughts on the topic. Thanks for writing this.
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