I miss my Mom

15 years ago, today, I lost my mother to cancer. Since that day, 15 years ago, I miss her miserably every day. Not a day has gone by that I did not think about her and miss her. The first couple of years was terrible, but then I became used to the pain of not having her. Coming up to the anniversary of this date, I have been thinking about Mom and her impact on my life a whole lot. Third only to my birth and my wedding date, this was probably one of the most impacting days of my life. The other two were positives...this one was not. But I constantly remind myself that this is one of life's rules and I just need to accept it. I don't always like to accept the rules.

I have been concerned that I am forgetting her. I see Rachael with my children and I feel like there is no worse thing I could do to my mother than forget her. I know she gave every piece of herself to me and wanted me to know that I was loved by her with all her heart. If she was here, I would let her know that she did a great job. I cannot tell her that, but I never doubted that she knew it. Mom could turn the other cheek, but she would not let you hurt her family. We were the world to her. And then I get almost angry with myself when I begin to think that I am forgetting her...how could I do that?

I am now realizing that I am not forgetting her, I am just living with the pain of not having her. Like a person who has very bad arthritis and just lives through it, I am doing the same. I cannot change it, so I must accept it. If I begin to think about all the things she has not shared in my life, I could lose my sanity....meeting Rachael, seeing me get married, seeing me graduate college, seeing me graduate grad school, seeing me go to my first job, seeing my first house, meeting Drake, meeting Emmy Kay, meeting Blythe Ann, getting excited about our future addition in a few weeks...the list goes on. When I consider the big things, I am sad...but when I consider the little mundane moments that I am missing out on with her, just picking up the phone to talk or have a cup of coffee with her, it really makes my heart sink.

I live with the pain but I also know that she would be very proud of me. She would love Rachael and would just adore all my kids. I wish they could meet her but they will know her through me. And with that, I know she is not forgotten. The instruction she gave me and the love she poured into me is being passed down to the next generation. Mom is not gone, she is just not here.

I am very thankful for the time I got with her and the relationship I had with her. I will always cherish those memories and I will never forget her.

I miss my Mom.

Three great words

My three favorite words to hear are "I love you" coming from my wife or my children. I know it comes from their heart and it makes me feel wonderful knowing that I am loved by the people who love me the most.

Right after those three words, I would have to say another great three words to hear is "Miss Kimmie's Ribs." Yesterday, Miss Kimmie invited us over for a Memorial Day BBQ and she made her lip smackin' ribs. These are a work of art. They are spicy, juicy, saucy and beautiful. Miss Kimmie rubs them, slow grills them and then slathers the sauce on them. Perfection!

Thanks Miss Kimmie and I can't wait to hear those three words again.

Teddy Ruxpin could probably fly to Jupiter

This is an update to my April 25th post.

I learned the other day that the "IT" toy from the 90's had 4 times the computing power of the Apollo Lunar Lander. I can't decide what bothers me more...the fact that Furby has the ability to land on the moon 4 times over, OR the fact that it only retailed for $35!

I think this "Lunar Lander" statistic is becoming an obsession for me.

I think I'm turning Japanese

The other day I was involved in a meeting using Cisco's Telepresence (TP) system. It really is truly amazing how realistic a video-conference can be with this technology. The images are life size and in 1080p so it is almost more realistic than being with the person live!

I was presenting to a group of Japanese cable operators who were visiting our San Jose office and we had been pulled in to give an update from our business unit. TP systems typically have 3 screens, but we were using a single unit system that would toggle between individuals as they spoke. Unfortunately, our interpreter was sitting off screen so she did most of the talking and the image on our single screen was of the same person. We would talk, she would interpret and the image would never change...always the same Japanese man.

I was up just after lunch and it began to show quickly. This guy is "virtually" sitting just a conference table away from me. Unfortunately, he does not have a monitor to see himself, so he has no idea that I am presenting only to him...then lunch starts to kick in and I can see him start to nod off...

Two minutes later and he is asleep.

Image for illustration only

So picture this. I am talking to a man that is asleep in a language he does not understand. Every 30 seconds or so a disembodied voice interprets for me from somewhere else in the room. Still the man sleeps. Once the voice stops, I start into my next train of thought on the changes in video consumption by consumers on the global market. Still the man sleeps. I know the topic is not exciting and the only non-verbal cues I am picking up come from a man who is asleep and sitting only 6 feet across from me in 1080p resolution.

I started out with 2o slides and cut it to about 6. It was one of the worst situations I have ever presented in. I just wanted to get out.

Happy "Gotcha" Day!

A year ago today I was in Nanchang, China meeting my daughter Blythe Ann for the very first time. In the Chinese adoption program, they call this "Gotcha" day. Personally, I don't care for the name. Maybe it is because I grew up in Jersey and the term "Gotcha" was not a positive one. However, after living through the waiting and red-tape of an Int'l adoption, I can definitely understand why they use the term "Gotcha"...I really felt like I just wanted to grab my kid and run out the door. After months and years of waiting we finally had her. I wanted to put China behind me and get my little girl home

Blythe Ann was a little over a year old when we got her and she could do nothing. She could not sit up, eat solid foods, move a blanket off her face, laugh, smile....nothing. A little bit of it was from shock with so many changes, but once she got used to us (mostly Rachael) she was still way behind a normal 1 year old. It was a little scary, but also exciting that we would get to see so many firsts. Honestly, we felt like we had a 1 year old new born that already slept through the night. Bonus!

Now a year has passed and I can't believe it. It feels like just yesterday we were in China living off Pringles and Oreos (their packaging looks the same in Chinese) talking to the two big kids via webcams. They could care less about Mom & Dad, they just wanted to see their new little sister. On the other hand, I have a hard time remembering our family without her. 366 days later (thanks to the Leap Year) and Blythe Ann is right where she belongs - in our home. She is quickly catching up to a normal 2 year for development and hanging strong with her brother and sister. She shares the lower bunk with Emmy Kay and is doing great. It really is amazing. I look at pictures from a year ago and I can not believe how far she has come.

I look at this little girl who was handed to us a year ago; she was dirty, frightened, alone and resilient and I know God intended her for our family. Like my other children, she gives me joy beyond words and challenges me to be a better parent. I love this little girl with all my heart and I am very thankful that I will get the opportunity to see her grow up in our family.

Happy GOTCHA Day!

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Am I the missing link?

I recently fessed up to my friend Greg Troxell that I have joined the blogosphere. I have been a closet blogger because it is very safe in here. I wanted a little time to find my "voice" and understand how this whole blogging thing works. However, every time I leave a comment or put a new post up, I become a bit more exposed to discovery. I knew my outing would one day come and I can feel it pressing hard upon me. I am not a fast runner and the web has many tentacles so I knew discovery was a mere series of clicks away.

So this has me thinking....what am I adding? Perhaps a link to my page from some one else will become the "missing link" in a web-surfers life. That pearl or gem of wit and wisdom that changes their life. As they aimless click from site to site, looking for the next cyber "hit" like it is some sort of drug...I may trigger the epiphany that changes their outlook. A life changed, a cure found, a relationship restored, a decision made, a problem solved, a heart mended, a wound healed, a pain soothed, a time remembered, a need realized, forgiveness granted...

...Or, more likely it will be one of many stops as the web-surfer is clicking from dribble to drab and drab to dribble being entertained, informed; seeing a glimpse into how other, everyday people view the world. This may be the case but I am glad to officially be a part of the blogosphere. So, with these 4 simple words I am outed:

"you have been added"

No Deja Vu

Today is May 10th and it is my first in the last two years. I existed on May 10th, 2006 but not May 10th, 2007. It was wiped off the face of the earth for me last year...literally.

Last year, we traveled to China to adopt our daughter Blythe Ann. We boarded a plane on May 9th and landed on May 11th. It was a 16 hour flight and we crossed the International date line. I have to say it was one of the more bizarre things to have happen in my life - just lose a day. Now I know the day was not literally lost. Each second clicked on like normal and I did not really travel through time, but it just felt that way. I read a short story by Stephen King called the Langoliers - it is a story about a plane that takes off and falls "behind" time. The people on the plane look out the windows and see nothing, just black. The world does not exist and they have to figure out a way to fly back into time and "catch up."

The Langoliers was in my mind the whole flight to China and I kept looking out the window. We got on the flight at night and flew in the dark for 16 hours until we landed at sunrise. The really weird thing was that I looked out the window and never saw lights or anything for the entire flight. It was very strange.

So, today was May 10th and I felt like today was a very special day. I can easily take tomorrow for granted because it always just shows up. I hope that May 10th is always a little reminder for me not to take this day or any day for granted.

She ran her fingers through my hair

Yesterday was one of those days at work when I felt like I should work for free. I had a meeting in Greenville, NC - just a short 1.5 hour flight and another 2 hour drive out to the customer. I was driving down to ATL at 6am kind of dreading the day…driving, security, waiting, flying, driving, meeting, driving, security, waiting, driving…and finally home. Now granted, I only really had to “work” about an hour and I was talking about DVR and HD consumer adoption, something I probably already do in my sleep.

So I am really not looking forward to almost a 2 hour drive in a rental car without any entertainment. I go to pick up my car and I have a Pontiac SUV of some sort, but no satellite radio. I love XM and I will discuss it in another post, but I could not travel that long without satellite radio. I went back to the counter and asked if they had anything with satellite. The guy checked his computer and said “All I have is a convertible. Is that okay?” Yep, I played it cool and casually said “Well, if that is all you have, I guess I will take it.” I took my ticket, confirmed there was no daily rate change ($46…check) and headed out to space 517.

Mine was black, but you get the idea.

Let me set the stage for you. In Raleigh, where I landed, it was 65 degrees and climbing fast. The sun was out and a few big fat clouds were lazily sliding by. It was a great day for a convertible and I had a long drive and I had satellite radio AND I was technically “working.” May 7th was moving in the right direction.

Needless to say, I spent the day with the top down and Mother Nature running her fingers through my hair. It was an unexpected great day. I did not like being alone to enjoy it, but that is an occupational thing I am used to and I have to accept it. I turned the all 80’s station up as loud as I could and set the cruise control to 74 and let the NC countryside speed by.

A good day.

The only downside was that I had to fly home with my voice a little hoarse from singin’ 80’s tunes all afternoon and my hair blown to heck, a la Kevin Bacon in Footloose. I am going to request satellite radio every time I rent and see if I can get this experience again.

So many Cincos have passed

Today is Cinco de Mayo. As a white kid raised in Jersey, this day has little to no significance for me. Fortunate for me, my wife loves Mexican food so today becomes an excuse to make fajitas for dinner and eat 'til it hurts. It is a mucho grande day in the Reksten house. Next year after 4.0 is born, we will get the margaritas back into the mix and probably start a new tradition of inviting lots of friends over for the feast.

However, over the years I have developed a tradition on Cinco de Mayo that I look forward to more than the fajitas and margaritas. Every year since I have had access to email (which I did not have at my first job...YIKES!) I have been wished a Happy Cinco de Mayo from some co-workers from my first job. One guy (Dave Dale) is more tragically white than myself and the other (Luis Rodrigues) is a tragic white guy trapped in a Portugese man's body. I see Luis every couple of years, but I have not seen Dave in over 12 years...yet each year we manage to find one another via email and spout off messages about Freedom, Revolution and Victory. It is a tradition I love and one that seems to endure. Sadly, I am always the last to send the email out to Dave and Luis talking about the great battles of Cinco de Mayo. That is not due to lack of importance - I think I just want to savor the tradition. Truth be told, I begin to look forward to it by late April.

Today was no exception....Dave delivered and Luis delivered and I am about to hit send. I know Cinco de Mayo has significant meaning to a whole people group and I am dismissing the importance for my own tradition, but I don't care, so...Viva Cinco de Mayo!

One for the road

Since July 2007, my wife and I are the proud owners of one vehicle and one vehicle only. You cannot imagine how much it messes with people's heads when we tell them we only have one car. How do you get to work? How does your wife get the kids around? How do you shop for groceries? What about an emergency? What about.....?

It is simply amazing how people today are unable to shift their mind from losing their driving independence. In essence, that is all my wife and I have done. We have given up our personal freedom for the greater family good...I still get to work, my kids still make it to wherever, we have groceries and 911 is still the first call for emergencies. However, we have to work together and compromise on just about everything if we are going to keep things rolling. We originally started with the intent of doing this for a couple months and now we are heading into a year. I can't believe we made it this long, but it can be done.

Our objective is to buy a car with cash (thanks a lot Dave Ramsey) and we now have more than enough funds to make it happen. However, when I think about parting with my cash to just have the convenience of two vehicles, it suddenly becomes a difficult decision. I thought that I would be eager to pull the trigger at this point, but I am not. The thought of another car, higher insurance rates, higher gas bills and more maintenance does not seem like a good trade-off to gain some personal independence. Cash in hand can really mess with your priorities...in a positive way.

So, now that my wife and I have given up our independence, we are looking at the actual costs to get it back and I honestly wonder if it is worth it. We made it this long, so could we go another month or maybe even longer?